4 stages of personal change

In my experience, changing personal behaviour looks like this:

1. “I should” - recognising the need for change
2. “I will” - resolving to change
3. “I am” - doing something different or differently
4. “I did” - moving from the original intent

Each stage has its challenges.

1. I should

I should exercise more. I should eat differently. I should call my loved ones more. I should work less.

Shoulds can feel exceptionally draining because this type of self-talk reminds us of what we’re not.

It can be confronting, which leads us to bat away and minimise those feelings. We may talk ourselves out of the ‘should do’ many times before we resolve to actually do something about it.

2. I will

I will join a gym. I will cook more at home. I will call my parents every Sunday. I’ll stop checking my emails after 6pm.

Resolving to change is a powerful step. You may feel a surge of clarity, focus and energy from making the decision, so use this heightened motivation to commit yourself to actions that will support the new behaviour. 

Don’t mistake deciding to change with actually changing, however. The job’s not done. 

3. I am

I go to the gym three times a week. I cook at home on weeknights. I call my parents every Sunday. I switch off my email every night.

We’re doing it! We’re actually doing it!  The quicker you can get to the “I am” stage, the better, because this is when behaviour really changes. You’re turning up consistently and repeatedly. 

You may feel virtuous and rejuvenated. Confident that you’ll never go back. But beware.

4. I did

I used to go to the gym. I used to cook at home. I speak to my parents quite regularly. I try to check emails so I can keep on top of things.

If “I am” is the stage where the change seems assured, “I did” is the epilogue, looking back on what happened 3, 6, 12 months later. 

The reality is we often regress. It’s difficult to sustain the intense commitment we feel when we’re closer to the ‘need to change’ realisation. 

Which leads us back to what we should be doing, and the cycle continues.

If you are interested in how to establish a habit the easy way, check out my book The How of Habits.